The Depth of a Name

Name, name, what’s in a name? Juliet let us know that a rose by any other name wouldn’t smell as sweet. As we know, her whole conflict existed as her love had the name of a feuding family, while his heart belonged to her. One of our greatest love stories with a most tragic end never allowed us to watch Juliet a Montague. Surely this lover would want to have every part of her Romeo, in life and in death.

Growing up I was never a fan of the last name I was given at birth. As an adult, I have more issue than ever. I have grown so far from it in my mind & soul; I am trying to ascertain what name would make me happiest now. What fit me wholly, as who I am today?

This past year I tried on a couple different last names. First, I chose my maternal grandfather’s last name, my mother’s maiden. It’s simple, easy and comforting as it reminds me of positive attributes such as hard-work & longevity. My grandfather was my main father figure growing up. It felt natural. It’s an American name that is a pastoral occupation name, which might inspire others to follow their lead.

Yet, changing your name is more of a big deal on paper- a whole new trail needs to be designed. Before jumping into anything, I like to know all options available. That’s where my maternal grandmother’s maiden name comes into play. She was born stateside to Lebanese & Syrian immigrants. She never visited her native lands & stopped speaking Arabic when her mother passed. So, I know a couple words and sayings passed down, along with traditional
dishes which brought about the only cultural family connection i have. This family name is the Arabic version of the name of the Biblical figure Job, and is the name used in the Qur’an for the prophet Job. Ayoub is Christian Lebanese, like my family, & refers to patience in the face of adversity, patience in the disease, repent and turn to goodness, or egrets and returns towards Goodness. I connected with the meaning of this name, along with fond memories & the sweet warm soul that my Sito is/was. I chose to try it on for size, even if only on Facebook to start. A full 60 day commitment.

I must admit, I had a moment of hesitation in doing so. This choice was made pre-Election Day and I couldn’t help but wonder if I would be singled out for the potential Muslim registry based solely on a last name of Arabic origin. Screw it & that way of thinking. Plus, my family was Catholic & Eastern Orthodox Christian – I didn’t know anything about the Muslim faith until college.

So was I being prejudice? Judging myself? Maybe you would say so. To me, it’s a part of the process, full analysis from all angles. So I went with it.

So for months in to the first name change, no comments or questions for over 6 months. However, changing to the Arabic name soon became a social science experiment with action! I received personal messages saying cool name change and when did you do that? After updating my profile picture, captioned “MERRY CHRISTMAS!!” I was soon after stated “oh I didn’t know you converted” (to the Muslim faith) and was also sent Muslim holiday wishes for “whatever it is”. These were from people I know, friends and acquaintances. I also had a family member try to embarrass me on a friend’s post about us attending her Christmas concert with a rude question of “who’s Lauren Ayoub???” – all these actions in the first 30 days of the name!

Now, of course, people I don’t know also passed similar judgments. This came about when I answered a troll comment regarding the troll-elect – with facts. I am a person who comments and leaves the thread, only possibly returning if I get a reply, when I log on next. Well, I left said comment and returned the next day or so. I had a couple strangers who were “on my side,” but still assumed my faith based on my presented name. They hoped I “was ok” & that my feelings weren’t too hurt by those insensitive to me as they declared “she’s a Muslim” – while said with kindness & concern. What more did I need to plainly see the stark prejudice faced by those of Arabic decent? Because, you know, we are all Muslim. And all Muslims are terrorists to the white nationalists (aka the alt right/alt reich).

I don’t care if you label me as a Muslim or Christian. I know who I am and the values I have, along with my deep and personal faith. In actuality, if you study religion, you know the differences between Muslim, Christian & Jewish faiths aren’t too vast. All acknowledge the prophets, the mt. of olives & the Messiah to start. All have extremists also from ISIL, to Evangelicals to Zionists. But this doesn’t matter. We are living in a world of fear. My country, albeit less than half support, has a regressive racist taking center stage as executive in chief! The same racist who vowed to build a Muslim registry along with a giant Wall to border Mexico.

The troll-elect has reinvigorated the white nationalists who voted for him in droves. While there rating was Russian interference via fake news stories & hacking which resulted in an unacceptable election, the scared whites won, the confederate flag celebrated.

So what now? I’m still figuring it out! Every day lately I have been reminded of how much the white nationalists feel empowered. The fake news & twists had them salivating while watching Fox News. This was what they had waited for the past 8 years with the black Muslim guy in charge! Fools!!!

I never went back to the thread to explain who I am or what I believe- why should I? Why am I being judged for the origin of my name? And when did America stop believing the principles upon which it was founded, as a nation of immigrants?

I know one thing for sure – today I only want to be further from my born last name. To explain a little further, this name, unlike the others, has no blood relation. It is an adopted name for my father. My racist aunt (his half sister) quickly showed her true colors while simultaneously disrespecting my late grandmother and our family who welcomed her into their home and lives – with that Arabic name. My father is also a racist. He lives an alternative lifestyle but decided to support the celebrity apprentice dude. He chose to debate me on my threads, then whine when it was impossible to defend actual facts & delete all he said, thereby erasing all my valid points, to show me! Well, he blocked me and not only did his immaturity shine, but so did his racism, misogyny and xenophobia. If he wasn’t a lazy hypocrite then maybe i would be easier. But would you want the last name of someone who you discovered had a court order for failure to pay child support?

So I tried out a few, from Shepard to Ayoub and I have decided on a final outcome: Lauren Jay Shepard. To me, this means a few things. Jay will replace Joan as my middle name. It was in honor of my late father’s mother of whom I heard had an amazing spirit. I do wish I had known her. The “J” is to keep her memory alive through me as intended. The “ay” is my homage to my Arabic family who lived boldly & did not settle! My heroes! They immigrated the right way and had children as citizens whom they raised well in a new society, with a family grocer business, with an amazing ice cream bar! (I love ice cream!) Also, itself is a symbol to me to live free and to soar! Birds in general have always been my envy.

While my Sito no longer spoke Arabic, she did, along with my great-aunts featured in images, teach us grandchildren little phrases like “smullah” & “foochee” along with so-called naughty words. We at holidays, had the always quick to go platters of kibby, grapeleaves, hummus. It was the only culture I had, while mostly on holidays. As for the name Shepard, it has always been positive for me and our family has a line of strong Shepards, from my grandfather, to my great-aunt who is turning 100 this year, who also served in WWII. Shepards may be stubborn, but they are strong, and ready to lead.

For my last name, I choose to from here on out be a Shepard. They are leaders, be it of sheep, but we all need to be led. I am not demanding this, but I am accepting what I was born for. I see it, I feel it, I will emerge!